Chocolate Quotes and Jokes

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Little Truths
T-Shirts & Bumper Stickers
Therapy
Addiction & Guilt
Religion
Strength
Health
Diet Advice
Women
Love & Sex
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Jokes

Little Truths

A new British survey has revealed that 9 out of 10 people like Chocolate. The tenth lies. – Robert Paul

A chocolate in the mouth is worth two on the plate.

Anything is good and useful if it’s made of chocolate.

What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be.

Momma always said life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. – Forrest Gump

Life is like a box of chocolates – full of nuts!

There’s nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. – Linda Grayson, The Printwick Papers

After a bar of chocolate one can forgive anybody, even one’s relatives.

The bank of friendship cannot exist for long without deposits of chocolate.

There are only three things in life that matter – good friends, good chocolate and, oh dear, what was that other one?

Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. – Sandra Boynton

Other things are just food. But chocolate’s chocolate. – Patrick Skene Catling

Once you consume chocolate, chocolate will consume you.

Too much of a good thing is simply wonderful! – Deborah Fox-Rothschild

A little too much chocolate is just about right.

The three best pleasures in life are scratching, sneezing and eating chocolate.

Any sane person loves chocolate. – Bob Greene

Chocolate makes everyone smile-even bankers. – Ben Strohecker, chocolatier

Anything tastes better dipped in chocolate.

Chocolate doesn’t make the world go ’round, but it sure does make the trip worthwhile!

The best things in life are chocolate.

Money talks. Chocolate sings!

Chocolate is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.

Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed, but chocolate makes it worthwhile.

Chocolate is not a matter of life and death – it’s more important than that!

If chocolate is the answer, the question is irrelevant.

Dip it in chocolate; it’ll be fine.

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

Chocolate is a serious thing! – Counselor Deanna Troi, Start Trek: The Next Generation

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T-shirts & Bumper Stickers

Put the chocolate in the bag and nobody gets hurt.

EMERGENCY ALERT: If wearer of this shirt is found vacant, listless, or depressed, ADMINISTER CHOCOLATE IMMEDIATELY.

Intergalactic Peace Through Chocolate!

I take chocolate from strangers.

All I want is peace, love, understanding, and a chocolate bar bigger than my head.

There’s a thin person inside of me screaming to get out, but I keep her sedated with chocolate.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I ain’t going.

Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen.

So much chocolate, so little time!

Simply put… everyone has a price, mine is chocolate!

Save the Earth! (It’s the only planet with chocolate.)

Will work for chocolate.

I’ll eat anything! As long as it’s chocolate.

There’s more to life than chocolate, but not right now.

Nothing chocolate…. Nothing gained.

Eve left the Garden of Eden for chocolate!

I’m not overweight, just chocolate enriched.

Do not Disturb! Chocolate fantasy in progress.

If it ain’t chocolate, it ain’t breakfast!

Chocolate – The breakfast of champions!

Chocolate is not just for breakfast.

I’m a Chocoholics Anonymous dropout.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

I never met a chocolate I didn’t like. – Counselor Deanna Troi, Star Trek: The Next Generation

Seven days without chocolate makes one weak.

Chocolate: Here today… Gone today!

Seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.

Given enough chocolate and coffee, I could rule the world.

Here, have some chocolate. Feel better now?

I only eat chocolate for you, so there will be more of me to love.

Some like it hot, some like it cold; I like it chocolate!

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Therapy

Chocolate is cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment.

Chocolate isn’t a food, it’s a medicine – an anti-depressant.

Chocolate causes certain endocrine glands to secrete hormones that affect your feelings and behavior by making you happy. Therefore, it counteracts depression, in turn reducing the stress of depression. Your stress-free life helps you maintain a youthful disposition, both physically and mentally. So, eat lots of chocolate! – Elaine Sherman, Book of Divine Indulgences

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M’s and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Dave Barry

Eating chocolate can have significant influences on mood, generally leading to an increase in pleasant feelings and a reduction in tension. – Peter Rogers, Ph.D., Institute of Food Research

When no one understands you, chocolate is there.

Hot fudge fills deep needs. – Susan Isaacs

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Addiction & Guilt

The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE! – Terry Moore

I’d give up chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

If I have chocolate around, I will eat it. I love it, I love it, I love it. I like a piece every day. – Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I probably have some sort of chocolate five times a week. There’s definitely a change it does to the chemistry of the body. It’s my favorite feeling. I live for it. – John Travolta

Don’t wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty. Chocolate isn’t like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant. And it always feels good. – Lora Brody, Growing Up on the Chocolate Diet

A true chocolate lover finds ways to accommodate his passion and make it work with his lifestyle. One key, not just to keeping weight down and staying guilt-free, but also to keeping taste buds sharp (essential for the professionals who evaluate new products as well as judge recipes), is being discriminating. – Julie Davis, Los Angeles Times, 10/30/85

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Religion

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and he saw that it was good. Then he separated the light from the dark, and it was better.

Oh, divine chocolate!

They grind thee kneeling,

Beat thee with hands praying,

And drink thee with eyes to heaven.

– Marco Antonio Orellana, 18th century

Chocolate is a divine, celestial drink, the sweat of the stars, the vital seed, divine nectar, the drink of the gods, panacea and universal medicine. – Geronimo Piperni, quoted by Antonio Lavedán, surgeon in the Spanish army, 1796

So noble a confection, more than nectar & ambrosia, the true food of the gods. – Dr. Bachot, 1662

The Greek term theobroma (Latin name for cacao) means literally food of the gods. Chocolate has also been called the food of the devil, but the theological basis of this claim is obscure.

Look, there’s no metaphysics on earth like chocolates. – Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet (1888-1935)

…the damnable agent of necromancers and sorcerers. It is well to abstain from chocolate in order to avoid the familiarity and company of a nation so suspected of sorcery [Spain]. – French cleric, 1620

Just think of all the wonderful blessings you’ve been given. Chocolate, dark chocolate, chocolate truffles…

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Strength

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces. – Judith Viorst

When the going gets tough, the tough eat chocolate.

Stress wouldn’t be so hard to take if it were chocolate covered.

What use are cartridges in battle? I always carry chocolate instead. – The Chocolate Cream Soldier, Arms and the Man

I owe it all to little chocolate donuts. – John Belushi

If any man has drunk a little too deeply from the cup of physical pleasure; if he has spent too much time at his desk that should have been spent asleep; if his fine spirits have become temporarily dulled; if he finds the air too damp, the minutes too slow, and the atmosphere too heavy to withstand; if he is obsessed by a fixed idea which bars him from any freedom of thought: if he is any of these poor creatures, we say, let him be given a good pint of amber-flavored chocolate… and marvels will be performed. – Anthelme Brillat-Savarin (1755-1826)

If at first you don’t succeed, have a little chocolate.

It’s strengthening, restorative, and apt to repair decayed strength and make people strong. – Louis Lemery, 1702

The divine drink which builds up resistance and fights fatigue. A cup of this precious drink permits a man to walk for a whole day without food. – Hernando Cortés, 1519

If you are not feeling well, if you have not slept, chocolate will revive you. But you have no chocolate! I think of that again and again! My dear, how will you ever manage? – Marquise de Sévigné

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Health

Chocolate is a perfect food, as wholesome as it is delicious, a beneficent restorer of exhausted power. It is the best friend of those engaged in literary pursuits. – Baron Justus von Liebig (1803-1873), German chemist

The superiority of chocolate, both for health and nourishment, will soon give it the same preference over tea and coffee in America which it has in Spain. – Thomas Jefferson

All of the evil that people have thrust upon chocolate is really more deserved by milk chocolate, which is essentially contaminated. The closer you get to a pure chocolate liquor (the chocolate essence ground from roasted cacao beans) the purer it is, the more satisfying it is, the safer it is, and the healthier it is. – Arnold Ismach, The Darker Side of Chocolate

Chocolate is a Vegetable: chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

I do recommend a piece of good-quality dark chocolate as a healthy snack . . . It is a source of polyphenols, the same type of antioxidants found in red wine, and the fat it contains is stearic acid, which doesn’t affect cholesterol levels. The latest good news for chocolate lovers comes from a study indicating that flavonoids in chocolate are good for your heart. These compounds reduce the stickiness of platelets, cells that play an important role in blood clotting. By eating a 1.5-ounce milk chocolate bar, you get the same amount of these protective compounds as in a 5-ounce glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. – Andrew Weil, M.D.

Nitric oxide plays such an important role in the maintenance of healthy blood pressure and, in turn, cardiovascular health. If our research results continue to support a link between consumption of flavanol-rich cocoa and nitric oxide synthesis, there could be significant implications for public health. – Norman Hollenberg, M.D., Ph.D., Harvard Medical School

Chocolate contains large amounts of the same beneficial plant chemicals that now have burnished the reputation of tea. In fact, just one ounce of chocolate has about as much of these plant chemicals as a cup of brewed black tea. One large, ongoing study of the benefits of exercise found that men who eat chocolate in moderation live longer than those who eat none. – University of California-Berkeley Wellness Letter

We already know that increased consumption of fruits and vegetables results in an increase of antioxidants in our blood. We believe chocolate consumption may have the same effect. We forget that chocolate is derived from cocoa beans-the fruit of the cacao tree-a fruit that is a rich source of these potentially beneficial substances. – Penny Kris-Etherton, Ph.D., Pennsylvania State University

Chocolate just stands out [for antioxidant content]. It’s much higher than anything else. – Joe Vinson, Ph.D., University of Scranton

Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world’s perfect food. – Michael Levine, nutrition researcher

In 1724, Dr. Richard Brookes claimed that chocolate prolonged life and cured ringworm and ulcers. He also suggested cocoa butter for skin treatment, piles and gout.

I don’t understand why so many “so called” chocolate lovers complain about the calories in chocolate, when all true chocoholics know that it is a vegetable. It comes from the cocoa bean, beans are veggies, ’nuff said.

I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process…. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

What you see before you, my friend, is the result of a lifetime of chocolate. A pound a day often. – Katharine Hepburn

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Diet Advice

Never eat more chocolate than you can lift.

A balanced diet is a chocolate in each hand!

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and you’ll eat less.

Empty calories: A hollow chocolate bunny?

Hollow chocolate has no calories.

Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don’t they actually counteract each other?

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?

Eat a square meal a day – a box of chocolate.

There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles.

A balanced diet consists of items from the five major food groups: dairy, grains, meats, fruits/vegetables, and chocolate.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want!

If one swallows a cup of chocolate only three hours after a copious lunch, everything will be perfectly digested and there will still be room for dinner. – Anthelme Brillat-Savarin (1755-1826)

Among life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of chocolate can make a person gain five pounds.

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Women

After about 20 years of marriage, I’m finally starting to scratch the surface of that one [what women want]. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate. – Mel Gibson

Chocolate is the greatest gift to women ever created, next to the likes of Paul Newman and Gene Kelly. It’s something that should be had on a daily basis. – Sandra Bullock

Twill make Old Women Young and Fresh; Create New Motions of the Flesh. And cause them long for you know what, If they but taste of chocolate. – James Wadsworth, A History of the Nature and Quality of Chocolate

Man cannot live on chocolate alone, but women sure can!

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has sworn off fudge and chocolate.

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Love & Sex

My favorite thing in the world is a box of fine European chocolates which is, for sure, better than sex. – Alicia Silverstone

The taste of chocolate is a sensual pleasure in itself, existing in the same world as sex… For myself, I can enjoy the wicked pleasure of chocolate… entirely by myself. Furtiveness makes it better. – Dr. Ruth Westheimer

I am a serious chocoholic. For the serious chocoholic, chocolate is better than sex. If you believe that, you REALLY need to meet that special someone who can change your mind. If you HAVE met that special someone and still believe that, I REALLY NEED to know where you get your chocolate!

Forget love – I’d rather fall in chocolate!

It’s not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Chocolate is, let’s face it, far more reliable than a man. – Miranda Ingram

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt! – Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts

Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate. – John Milton, The Devils Advocate

You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving, and the gift of chocolate is the most loving of all.

Flowers and champagne may set the stage, but it’s chocolate that steals the show.

Coffee, chocolate, men… some things are just better rich.

I love a man with chocolate on his breath.

Men always leave… but chocolate is forever!

Nothing is more romantic than chocolate. – Ted, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

Fruit of all the kinds that the country produced were laid before him; he ate very little, but from time to time a liquor prepared from cocoa, and of an aphrodisiac nature, as we were told, was presented to him in golden cups… I observed a number of jars, above fifty, brought in, filled with foaming chocolate of which he took some… – Bernal Diaz del Castillo, member of Cortés’ force, describing a meal of emperor Montezuma, 1519

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More Quotes

Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk. – Homer Simpson

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… chocolate….” – Homer Simpson

Self-discipline implies some unpleasant things to me, including staying away from chocolate and keeping my hands out of women’s pants. – Oleg Kiselev

Caramels are only a fad. Chocolate is a permanent thing. – Milton Hershey

Never mind about 1066 William the Conqueror, 1087 William the Second. Such things are not going to affect one’s life…but 1932 the Mars Bar and 1936 Maltesers and 1937 the Kit Kat – these dates are milestones in history and should be seared into the memory of every child in the country. – Roald Dahl

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I ‘swarm about’ to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. – Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts, Saturday Night Live

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. – Sandra Boynton, Chocolate: the Consuming Passion

Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be made in favor of dirt. – Sandra Boynton, Chocolate: the Consuming Passion

Las cosas claras y el chocolate espeso. (Ideas should be clear and chocolate thick.) – Spanish proverb

And above all… Think Chocolate! – Betty Crocker

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Jokes

Mom: Fred, there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday, and now there’s only one. Why?
Fred: I don’t know. It must have been so dark I didn’t see the other one.

Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.

A man found a bottle on the beach. He opened it and out popped a genie, who gave the man three wishes. The man wished for a million dollars, and poof! There was a million dollars. Then he wished for a convertible, and poof! There was a convertible. And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women… Poof! He turned into a box of chocolates.

Q: What do cannibals eat for dessert?
A: Chocolate covered aunts.

Plump lady to the waitress: I’d like Death by Chocolate for dessert, but only enough to put me in critical condition.

Q: How do you know when a complete moron has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Why do complete morons hate M&Ms?
A: They’re too hard to peel.

Q: What job function does a complete moron have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Why did the complete moron get fired from the M&M factory?
A: He threw out the Ws.

Q: How do you confuse a complete moron?
A: Ask him to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

Q: Why don’t they make white M&M’s?
A: Because they’d enslave the black M&M’s, steal all the red M&Ms’ land, hunt the blue M&M’s to extinction, accuse the yellow M&M’s of obstructing trade, start a panic that the little green M&M’s were invading the Earth, and complain that the brown M&M’s were taking all their jobs.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Imogen.
Imogen who?
Imogen life without chocolate!

An old man and a young man worked in office next to each other. The young man noticed that the older man always had a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man loved peanuts.

One day while the older man was away from his desk, the young man couldn’t resist and went to the old man’s jar and ate over half the peanuts. When the old man returned, the young man felt guilty and confessed to taking the peanuts.

The old man responded, “That’s ok. Since I lost my teeth all I can do is lick the chocolate off the M&Ms.”

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. He slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and, with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out on the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Mustering one final effort, he threw himself toward the table. His aged and withered hand painstakingly made its way toward a cookie when it was suddenly smacked by a spatula.

“Stay out of those,” said his wife, “they’re for the funeral.”

A young girl was at the dentist for a check up. With much tutting, the dentist examined all her teeth. Finally he announced crossly “Young lady, you’ve been eating far too many sweet things, several of your teeth need filling.”

“Oh goody!” she replied happily. “Can I have chocolate filling please?”

You know you’re a chocoholic if the bartender tells you you’ve had enough shots of chocolate syrup for one night.

You know you’re a chocoholic if, when the leaves change in the fall, you start gathering Almond Joy candy bars for the coming winter.

Did you hear about the affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.

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Comments 17

  1. Rod March 11, 2012
    • Rod April 19, 2012
    • Evan March 25, 2015
  2. sumyia March 11, 2012
  3. blondie March 27, 2012
  4. Keiron Travis November 20, 2012
  5. Blah January 28, 2013
  6. Homer Simpson February 3, 2013
  7. Alex April 19, 2013
  8. John April 30, 2013
  9. FanFudgingTastic August 17, 2013
  10. sarah November 4, 2013
  11. javedan January 2, 2014
  12. Paul January 28, 2014
  13. olivia February 10, 2014
  14. Dorothy February 16, 2014
  15. Natasha June 7, 2015

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